Feeling That Confirmation

I usually try not to post anything religious, because I don't want to be criticized or bashed for my beliefs. Today I am making an exception.

For the most part, I am a happy person. I consistently and genuinely show gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the very many blessings that I have. I know I am unbelievably blessed and, ultimately, successful. But lately there have been obstacles in our life that we haven't been over to overcome, even though we have been fervently trying to do so. We have no doubt that these things will end and the blessings will come, but the never-ending question for us is "when?" There is only so much one can take, you know? I feel that personally I am at a breaking point. But one way or another I feel confirmation from the Spirit that i, indeed, can go on a little longer. You know, one step at a time.

Although I know these things and I have faith that we will be able to change the things we want to change, I personally, have been struggling to feel God's love for me. Specifically. Individually. It's just been a really hard personal, and emotional time for me. I have my ups and downs, and i think I can honestly say that I have more ups than downs. Nonetheless its been difficult for me to overcome these feelings of self-pity and to fully accept that i am a special daughter of God. Although, I have to preface all of this by saying that I have always known these beautiful truths, but in my moments of despair they seem to vanish and no matter how hard I try I can't feel them the way I once did. I've struggled to feel that "fire within" whether in my darkest moment or my happiest.

We have been presented with a choice that we have never considered. We felt the need to seriously pray and think about it. We have been fasting every single Sunday since April. We decided to focus our fast yesterday on this new idea, rather that the one we had previously decided we should pursue. So I was determined to really put my all into this weekend, with thought and prayer, fasting and meditation on the matter.

Sunday morning we went to church and did things just like every other Sunday. The meeting started and everything was just like every other Sunday. As the meeting continued we reached the Rest Hymn (you know, the one after the first speaker, before the second speaker). It was "I Believe In Christ" by Bruce R McConkie. We were standing to sing this one and I was really thinking about the words.

1. I believe in Christ; he is my King!With all my heart to him I’ll sing;I’ll raise my voice in praise and joy,In grand amens my tongue employ.I believe in Christ; he is God’s Son.On earth to dwell his soul did come.He healed the sick; the dead he raised.Good works were his; his name be praised.
2. I believe in Christ; oh blessed name!As Mary’s Son he came to reign’Mid mortal men, his earthly kin,To save them from the woes of sin.I believe in Christ, who marked the path,Who did gain all his Father hath,Who said to men: “Come, follow me,That ye, my friends, with God may be.”
3. I believe in Christ—my Lord, my God!My feet he plants on gospel sod.I’ll worship him with all my might;He is the source of truth and light.I believe in Christ; he ransoms me.From Satan’s grasp he sets me free,And I shall live with joy and love In his eternal courts above.
4. I believe in Christ; he stands supreme!From him I’ll gain my fondest dream;And while I strive through grief and pain,His voice is heard: “Ye shall obtain.”I believe in Christ; so come what may,With him I’ll stand in that great day When on this earth he comes again To rule among the sons of men.

I cannot begin to describe the feelings of peace and powerful confirmation that He lives and He loves me. Me, individually, specifically. There was no denying it. This was the confirmation I had been seeking. Verses 3 and 4 were the most powerful for me. In a large congregation where we were all singing the same hymn, I still felt such a private moment of communication with my Father in Heaven through the Holy Spirit. It was so powerful and I am ever thankful for that sweet moment.

We aren't alone. He loves us and He sent His Son to show us the way back to Them. Here is a video if you want to listen to this hymn. And if you would like to learn more about what I believe in, please visit this website.

Benny Bear

Benny made me a Mommy. He arrived 3 years ago today. I still prefer his tantrums over the contractions. :-) He has grown so much, and he has turned out to be more than I could have imagined. He's perfect. He is so sweet, and so smart. He's a great big brother. He's my little guy!

He was always the happiest baby around!He was also very good at bonking his head. Actually, he's still good at it.

Happy, even though he had a hurt arm.

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY, BENNY BEAR!

The Prince of Darkness

We watch several dramas on CBS. One of those is Criminal Minds, which had its Season Finale yesterday. We recorded it and watched it later that night. The episode was all about this psycho who would get inside a house during a black-out (they were in LA and there were scheduled rolling black-outs) and kill (among other things). The media in the city nicknamed him "The Prince of Darkness." The last home he broke into, he turned the power off for himself. It was a creepy episode, as are most of them.

It was really late and we had already started watching the next show's (CSI: NY) season finale. We were sitting in the living room, just the two of us. Everyone else was asleep. Then everything goes black. Yes. All the electricity is gone. Benny instantly starts screaming, crying, and yelling. My handy cell phone is used for light as I go to the trusty MagLite. I get to Benny and start explaining what was happening and I couldn't help but look out the window. I saw that everything was pitch-black outside, too. Then the lights came back on. Then, a few minutes later they went off again. And finally back on again.

It was so creepy! I couldn't help but look everywhere-out the window, the corners of the rooms, the ceiling...
Then, Ben and I sat on the couch to resume our season finale and we were talking about what had just happened. We joked that we wouldn't put it past CBS to pay for brown-outs in select viewing areas late at night to cause extra creepiness for their show. Either way, we can't wait for next season!

Mother's Day Gift

I finally got it! I finally got what i have wanted for so long! About 7 years were spent wishing and hoping and not being able to afford or justify the expense of what I wanted. But once again, my wonderful husband Ben surprised me with a wonderful gift!

Isn't it beautiful?! *Sigh* It's Phenomenal! I can't wait to use it!

Appreciation

Today has already proven to be a tough day for me-emotionally. But whatever, I'm trying to get out of this rut and move forward. It can be done. I've done it before, I can do it again. Along with my personal drama to deal with I have lots of loads of laundry to deal with. But I guess I have to let you in on the secret that I actually really enjoy doing laundry. So its not a biggie, but it does take up a lot of time to get done.

As I was sitting on Benny's bed this morning I was thinking about how I was going to gather the energy to get the day started with breakfast, then laundry and possibly a trip to the park or a walk around the neighborhood (and many other things that should get done today). Benny was sitting by my feet putting together his train tracks.

He looked up at me and said "Mommy, are you gonna play with me?" I said yes to him, thinking that it probably wouldn't be for very long since I had so much to get done today.

He then chuckled lightly and said "I appreciate it!"

I can't help but smile and be grateful for the blessings that I already do have. It was a boost for my heavy day, and a reminder to be grateful for the present day.

What's goin' on?

Things in the Queendom are surely not the way I thought they'd be right now. You make plans for something but things don't always turn out the way you plan. Melodrama is not intended, but things are just so hard for me, personally, right now. Have I mentioned before that patience is not my virtue? Because, trust me. It is not!

I want to be in my own home again. Not the house we own out of state, but a new place where we can establish our own household again and call home. Just the four of us. Just us. And the dog. Just us.

I want to use my own things again. My dishes, and pots and pans. My silverware, my cool craft stuff, my towels and my blankets. I want to use my own washing machine and dryer. And oddly, I want to use my own computer again, too. I'd love to have all my great picture frames hanging on walls that I walk by every day. I want to establish the normality I once knew. I have a state of normal now, but its a new one created to fit this situation. It works for us, but its not our ultimate goal for our state of being.

In a month and a few days it will be one whole year since we moved here. I thought that we would have been in our own place months ago. But it isn't so. And I know that things happen for a reason. I'm not saying that this isn't where we should be, but its just frustrating. Its frustrating to want something that's righteous, but not be able to have it yet for reasons that you don't understand.

Again, no melodrama intended. I'm a pretty happy person. I just needed to vent and validate my feelings in a "public" sort of way. It makes it more real for me and I will be able to cope with it on a less "surreal" way.

As a side note, my parents officially retire today! A celebration has been planned. :-D

To post or not to post?

Its been a long week, but yet, also a short one. It's been one of those weeks, I guess. The days are meshed together; I'd have to look at the Guide on the TV to tell you what the date was; and the days have been moving ever so slowly that it makes me want to scream.

But all in all, its been a good week. I often see things or do things or having things happen and I think "Oh! This is blog-worthy! I should totally blog about this!"
and. then. i. forget.

So today I'll share something small that happened to me yesterday. I was preparing dinner early in the day and had been cutting us some vegetables. So I diced the aromatic tomatoes and then moved on the lettuce. As I moved the thinly sliced lettuce into the serving bowl I saw that my finer was bleeding and I had a long cut! I instantly had the thought, something to the effect: Oh no! I cut myself and its a bad one! Its gonna hurt real bad! When did I cut myself? i didn't even feel it! (You know, something like that in a split second)

So as I more closely examined the damage I had caused I realized that I simply had a long piece of tomato skin that had stuck to my finger. I laughed at myself and said "This would be a lame post if I blogged about it."

But since I couldn't remember any of the cool things I had come up with...
LoL Yeah, it's been that kind of a week!