Thursday, August 14, 2008

I've got faith!

I debated a while about whether or not I should post about this. Because this IS the Internet I want to try and be discreet about what I want to blog about tonight. You never know who will find this and read it! We are being faced with a really crappy situation right now. We can't change it ourselves, because its basically someone else's doing (aka their free agency). We are having to do things in a way that we don't want to and aren't happy to do, either. I'm battling with emotions of hate and anger. I'm frustrated, sad, once more angry, confused, irritated...goodness, the list just goes on and on. I feel like I'm in a far away land where I don't speak the language, understand anything and everyone looks like an alien. I am just so at a loss for words. I don't know what to do or how to react.
But fear not, we will survive through this trial. Also, don't freak out thinking that something is horribly wrong (even though, for us it sorta is). If you ask, we'll talk about it. I'm just a dork and don't want it on the 'net. For all I know Ben will blog openly about it tomorrow. If he doesn't have a problem with it then I won't be cryptic. LoL After all, it IS more about him than me. Have you gotten my hint about it being a work situation? ;-)


This experience, although its only really beginning and hasn't even come to a head yet, has really opened my eyes and I am seeing a new me. I believe more in what I have the power to do for myself and my family. Even if my physical hands are tied, I can provide moral support to my husband and words of comfort when we are at a loss for words. I feel that I am relying more on my Father in Heaven, and that my faith is shining at its brightest. I know that we will be OK. I know that we will deal. I know that we will be comforted and protected and that years from now (maybe even next year?!?!) we will look back at this situation and marvel at how we handled it. Or perhaps laugh at how big a deal we felt it to be at the time.

I feel worse about everything because I feel like someone else is controlling my body. Being pregnant is so weird because you start to cry and then you can't stop! :-) I feel like that. My sad and angry reactions about this situation are over the top!

I guess I just needed to vent. It doesn't even matter if no one reads this. I feel better already. I'm glad, so glad, that we have an end in sight! New beginnings are coming and hopefully they will be good beginnings! :-)

The main point I wanted to get across in this blog is this:
I know who I am and who is watching over me. I know who Benjamin is and who is looking out for him. We will come forth out of this "personal misery" feeling like winners. I know what I am capable of and I know for sure that Benjamin is capable of wonders. We'll make the most of what we've got to deal with. I have faith that we will not be left alone.

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it! :-)

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