Thursday, February 26, 2009

How does one know?

I'm feeling a little anxious. There are lots of little things going on in our lives right now while we wait for a couple of big things to come along. We're waiting to hear back from some jobs that Ben has applied to. What are the chances that he'll get called in for an interview? What are the odds that he'll get hired right away? There are so many questions...
I keep myself occupied with normal daily things. I clean the house, I do dishes, I make dinner, I play with Benny, bathe the boys, go to church, watch TV....I mean, the list goes on and on. The point is that I keep myself busy. But while I have this routine of mine I also think a lot about the things to come. When are we finally going to move? When will Ben be hired with a new job? Will be have a short period of time between when we know we're leaving and when we leave?
I worry about other things, too. Will we be able to sell this house? Will we at least be able to rent it? Will we be able to close on a house out there quickly enough so that we don't have to live in an apartment or with family?
I'm a little anxious, too, because I don't know how much longer we'll be here. I thought that by now we would have been gone, but we aren't. So I wonder how much longer we have. I'm happy that we're still here, though. My family means the world to me and it breaks my heart every time I think about leaving them here. I get sad to think about leaving my home. Our children were conceived in this house, Benny learned how to crawl and walk in this house. This was our first house. We also have very dear friends that I am very saddened to leave behind. I'm also very excited to be closer to my parents and to start fresh-with a different house, different ward, different friends, different job. We're excited!

All this being said, I have been having "feelings." I feel that things are going to change soon. March is going to be a determining month. I don't know what will happen in March. I am not sure if we will move in March or if we will simply know when we're moving. Perhaps Ben will get a job offer in March. I don't know. But I have a "feeling." I trust this and begin to agree that its the Spirit. But then I question myself and think that it's not. But then I go back and agree again that indeed it is the Spirit. Ben feels the same way I do about March, so that makes me think even more that perhaps it is the Spirit. How does one know, for sure? I'm afraid to have "hope" and then it all be just my desires. But still...its a "feeling," one that I can't shake.

Time will tell, I suppose...

1 comment:

Ed said...

I wish I had the answers for you, but I don't. What I can say is that I know, even if it's a small part, of the feelings you're having.

Back in August 2007 when I graduated with my master's I knew that change was coming but I didn't know when, where, or how.

I hope that you can have the patience it takes. I know it can be really hard sometimes. Good luck!